Lambert: Heh. Didn't listen, did he?
Eskel: They never do.
Geralt: What're you talking about?
Lambert: Samovila contract Eskel got a while back. Good story.
Eskel: Finish it in a minute. First, some more fuel.
Geralt: Ooooo.... Now that's a kick in the liver... What is it?
Lambert: "The Gauntlet" -- equal parts spirit and White Gull. What's that look
about? Yen's gone to bed, time for some serious drinking.
Eskel: Damn straight! Pour us another. Bottoms up!
So -- this samovila?
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Geralt: So, what's this about a samovila?
Eskel: Snared this peasant in her dance. Instead of bein' happy he escaped
with his life, yokel fell head over heels in love. Wanted me to trap
her. Turned him down, so he tried it on his own, with a fishing net.
Bet you they're still dancing a mazurka in some fallow field.
Lambert: Great story. With a moral, too!
Geralt: Really? What's that?
Lambert: Stay away from dangerous women.
You guys ever gonna lay off Yen?²
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Geralt: Will you ever lay off Yen?
Lambert: Yeah. Soon as I trust her.
Eskel: You'd brave a fire for her... Whereas she plays you like a cheap
fiddle. Way it's always been.
Geralt: Listen to you two goddam¹ relationship experts. Neither of you's
been with a sorceress...
Eskel: For good reason...
Lambert: Fine, leave pretty boy alone before he gets grumpy. Already has
that pouty look on his face. Can't stand it. Drink up, Geralt. To
you and Yen -- happily ever after!
Yennefer and I -- we're not a couple.²
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Geralt: You can breathe easy. Yen and I -- we're not a couple. And we won't
ever be one...
Lambert: Ah, explains why the Sorceress Superior was so damn sulky.
Eskel: Lambert, drop it... Sorry, Geralt, that was, uh, insensitive. We
didn't know. You wanna...wanna talk about it?
Geralt: No. I wanna drink.
Lambert: Doable. Definitely doable.
Right, let's change the subject.
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Geralt: All right, change the subject.
Lambert: Cause¹ you refuse to admit I'm right? Whatever. Fine.
Eskel: Stop being a smart ass and pour.
Let's have some fun.
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Geralt: C'mon... Let's have some fun.
Eskel: We boring you?
Geralt: No, it's just kinda...
Lambert: Slow. Pretty boy's right. Listen...there's this game, student from
Oxenfurt taught me.
Geralt: Hm?
Lambert: Someone starts by saying "I've never..." -- and finishing the
sentence however they want. Whosever done that thing, downs a shot.
Then it's the next guy's turn.
Eskel: Sounds great. You start.
How about a round of cards?
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Geralt: How about a round of cards?
Lambert: Why not. Playin' for coin, though, right?
Agreed.
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Geralt: Yeah... Unless you'd rather play strip gwent.
Lambert: Maybe I'd finally come to understand what women see in you...
Eskel: Compare your trouser snakes later. Pouches on the table!
Lambert: Hahaha!
Eskel: What's with him?
Geralt: Don't worry about it. Let's play.
I'd rather not.
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Geralt: I'd prefer to play for pleasure.
Lambert: Pleasure? You should really talk to Yen about that.
Eskel: Got a one-track mind, Lambert. What are you, twelve?
Geralt: His voice has started cracking. Haven't noticed?
Lambert: Very funny.
Eskel: Very funny! Hahaha!
Geralt: All right, that's enough. Let's play.
Lambert: Huh. So, Geralt, seems to me you got your ass whooped.
Geralt: Unlucky at cards, lucky in love. And vice versa.
Time to go to sleep.
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Geralt: All right, guys... Bed time.
Lambert: Speak for yourself. Night's still young as I see it.
Eskel: Huh, but we're not... And tomorrow's a big day.
Lambert: Fine... Drinkin' with my mirror image is just no fun. Least it
wasn't last time.
Geralt: See? Even you can't stand yourself... Good night.
===============================================================================
[If the lads play the "I've never" game:]
Lambert: I've never...slept with a succubus.
[Drink.]
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---
[Skip a round.]
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---
[At minimum, Eskel drinks.]
Lambert: How 'bout that!
• Lambert: Expected Geralt might've, but you?
Lambert: Eskel, Eskel... Still waters run deep.
Eskel: I'm a sucker for women with horns. Right, my turn. I've never, after a
bender, woken up wearing nothing but my knickers.
[Drink.]
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Eskel: Geralt? Lambert's a lost cause, but you... What would Papa Vesemir
say?
Geralt: Think Papa Vesemir woulda...drank that round, too.
[Skip a round.]
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Eskel: Oh, Lambert, Lambert... Kaer Morhen's black sheep...
Lambert: Wanna know the best part? They weren't even my knickers!
Eskel: All right, Geralt, your turn. I've never...?
Never taken fisstech.
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Geralt: ...Taken fisstech.
[Eskel drinks.]
Geralt: Eskel... Really?
Eskel: Once... With that succubus.
Never jumped out a lover's window.---
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Geralt: ...jumped out a lover's window.---
[Lambert drinks.]
Eskel: That so... Must've been one tough character whose wife you were
ploughing...
Lambert: That wasn't it... He was a friend. Didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Eskel: Yeah, you're a true friend.
Geralt: Right, men, let's end on that. Or else I'll never be able to look you
in the eyes again.
===============================================================================
[After the samovila or "I've never game" chat:]
Lambert: Brr... Colder'n up an ice giant's ass in here. Gentlemen, I shall
return. Gotta go drain the dragon.
You get along with Lambert?
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Geralt: You and Lambert get along?
Eskel: In a way... I've learned not to talk to him about certain things.
Geralt: Guessing that's quite a list.
Eskel: It is.
Not cold in here to me...
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Geralt: Gotta say I'm pretty warm...
Eskel: He's always been a wuss about the cold. Remember winter, fifteen
years ago, when the snow stayed all around Belleteyn?
Geralt: Mhm... Lambert sat by the fire, wrapped in a blanket. Cussed
copiously every time it started to snow...
Lambert: Hello, young 'uns! Got your own little carnival going, eh? Alcohol,
my good man, is a witcher's worst enemy!
Geralt: Where'd you dig up that bonnet?
Lambert: Vesemir's trunk! The height of fashion in 1112! Old man probably put
it on when he went courting! Or, in the jargon of the time, "wooing
the damsels." Men, a witcher's life is not all cards and liquor. It is
toil, it is labor. No gurgling babes to wean for us, nay, not for us.
Eskel: All right, one Vesemir's enough. Take that off before you get it
dirty... And pour.
Lambert: Oh, I'll pour, Eskel, I'll pour. To the brim. 'Cause without vodka,
you're as stiff as a bookkeeper in a body cast.
===============================================================================
[After doing all options besides "go to sleep":]
Lambert: Aah... Vodka...vodka's gone. Who's gonna go get some more?
Geralt: Already went...to get food.
Eskel: All right... I'll do it... Kitchen... It's that way, right?
Lambert...I like you, you know that, right?
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Geralt: Lambert... Bud... Gotta tell you something...
Lambert: Yeah??
Geralt: Sometimes you're...a real jackass...but...I love you, brother...
Lambert: And sometimes you're a real blowhard. But dammit...I'd go to hell
and back for you. Come here, you oaf!
Have you got some beef with me?
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Geralt: Lambert... Listen... You... You got a problem with me?
Lambert: Me? Why...why would you say that?
Geralt: Well...just seemed that way. And you know...you're like my little
brother. Dumb and annoying. But a brother.
Lambert: Geralt...dammit! You're gonna make me cry! Come here!
[He goes to get up and give a hug, but knocks his bottle off the table.]
Lambert: Damn... Broke...
Geralt: Good thing it was empty... Eh... Where's Eskel? Shoulda been back by
now. We oughta...look around.
Lambert: This is a job...for Vesemir!
Geralt: Not again... Take that hat off...
Lambert: Where's that whippersnapper wandered off to? He could be...beleaguered
...I wager! Come, men, to the rescue! Eskel, you drunk! Get out here!
Geralt: Eskel! Chop, chop!
[Geralt can drunkenly observe things on Eskel's trail.]
Geralt: Spilled some wine...and crawled through it.
Lambert: Had to kneel down to see that?
Geralt: If I'd a' bent over, I'd 'ave puked...
[The trail leads outside.]
Lambert: Hey... Hic! You hear that?
Geralt: Sounded like...panting...of a wounded wyvern...
Lambert: Dammit... We missed a fight!
[They get back on the trail.]
Geralt: Think he...he hurt himself.
Lambert: What's one scar more or less in his case? Makes no difference, as I
see it.
Geralt: Aha... Eskel's close.
Lambert: Hang in there, brother. We're coming!
[They find Eskel sleeping outside, near the goat used as forktail bait.]
Geralt: Heeeey... Look... Here he is!
Lambert: With his ever faithful Lil' Bleater! Hellooo, Eskel! Wake up!
Eskel: Hm? What? What happened?
Lambert: Got sloshed, stewed and fifty-seven other varities of drunk -- that's
what happened. Get up, time to have a drink.
Eskel: Le' me alone... Gonna puke... The three of us get together, always ends
like this...
Lambert: Let's find a fourth! Better! A woman!
Geralt: None here but Yen... And we don't wanna wake her up. Believe me.
Lambert: What about that sorceress you talked to? Think about it. We turn on
the megascope, cordially invite her...she teleports here...maybe
brings some friends! How's that sound?
You're a genius!
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Geralt: Lambert... You're a genius!
Lambert: Course I am! So? We inviting the Lodge to our bash?
Eskel: Fuck yeah! Summon the bitches!
Think you've had your last drink.
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Geralt: Lambert... Believe you've had your last drink.
Lambert: You're just jealous you didn't think of it first... But is that any
reason to spoil it for us?
Geralt: I don't have the strength to argue.
Lambert: Course you don't, cream puff. Bet I could take you with one finger.
Eskel: Hey... Relax, Lambert...
Lambert: Wanna fight? Huh? Wanna? C'mon!
Geralt: Good night.
[If Geralt agrees to the megascope hijinx, they go up to that room.]
Eskel: All right...how's this work?
Geralt: Well... A twist here, a turn there... Then you gotta say something in
Elvish.
Lambert: Easy-peasy. Let's do it.
Eskel: Hey. Hang on. When this...Ida sees us...we'll scare her off. I mean,
we don't look anything like sorceresseswes...
Lambert: I know! Yennefer's clothes! Let's dress up. Bags're over there.
Eskel: What's this thing you got for dressing up?
Lambert: Shut it, wiseass, or I'll lace your corset up so tight you'll shit in
your bloomers.
We're squeezing into those dresses.
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Geralt: Stop whining, Eskel. Times you gotta squeeze into some fr-fr-fr...
Lambert: Frippery.
Eskel: Uuugh... We don't tell a soul, understand? This stays here.
Don't like the idea, either.
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Geralt: Don't really like the idea, either...
Lambert: Fine... But if this Ida refuses to talk to us, it'll be your fault.
[If they decide to go ahead with the bonehead plan:]
Lambert: Sure brought a lot of crap... You'd think she was moving in...
Eskel: Shh, you'll scare Geralt...
[If they all dress up in Yen's clothes:]
Lambert: Yes! Perfect! Like it was made for you!
Eskel: Sure... Soon as I let it out a bit in the waist...
Lambert: Stop talking, get dressed. Not that one... Won't compliment your
complexion...
[Soon, all three are ready.]
Lambert: Damn, Eskel... You got an hourglass figure...
Eskel: And you're an ass. C'mon, go, thing's tight as hell.
[Either way:]
Geralt: Now... I'll do the talking, you two fiddle with the crystals. Cáed'mil,
bloede dh'oine... Hocus-pocus... Abracadabra... Arse blathanna...
[The megascope contacts some random mage.]
Man: What is this...? Who's that?
Geralt: So sorry... We were never here...
Man: Guaaaaards!!!
Guard: More paper, Excellency?
• Man: No, you oaf! Witchers! Witchers attacking!
• Man: No, you oaf! The Lodge! The Lodge has come for me!
Witchers: Hahahahaha!
[Yennefer wanders in.]
Yennefer: I trust you have an explanation for this. A very good one.
Geralt: ( ͡☉ ͜ʖ ͡☉)
Yennefer: Go to bed. Now.
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